Friday, March 6, 2020

I'm Supergirl - But Who Saves Me

"I've gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don't want less, I don't want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe, to keep me warm
Yeah, my life is what I'm fighting for
Can't part the sea, can't reach the shore
And my voice becomes the driving force
I won't let this pull me overboard."

I have always tried to be very honest and open with you. So I must start by saying this is one of the more deep posts. You cannot begin to imagine the difficultly of having such a clear understanding of what love is and life, but feel so incapable of living what you know. I have had a challenging few years, mainly personally, that care to a complete tipping point this past week.

I am a work in progress and strive for improvement over perfection, but fall into the idea of perfection. At least outwardly. As much as I say perfection doesn’t matter for some reason (that will require a lot of reflection) I seem to strive for it. There is no amount of money, no bag, no house, no job that can fill a void that was meant to be filled with something divinely inspired. I am currently fighting a hard and painful fight for my life. Living moment to moment in a smoke-filled room that I can seem to find me way out of.

"And I can't see in the stormy weather
I can't seem to keep it all together
And I, I can't swim the ocean like this forever
And I can't breathe
God, keep my head above water
I lose my breath at the bottom
Come rescue me, I'll be waiting
I'm too young to fall asleep."

This life an imperfectly perfect journey filled with highs and lows that we have to wade our way through - only by the Grace of God will I find my way. Only with the love and support of those around will I weather this stormy weather. But as it stands right now - it hurts in places that I cannot seem to process the hurt. (Although writing this feels like an incredible release and understanding of my truth). Such a sharp and unimaginable pain that makes you question everything you ever held true and dear.

I am a broken person who is trying to keep it all together when it feels like it is all falling apart. And reminding myself God breaks us down to build us up. God allows the ugly into shows us how to let go of the old to build anew. I will get past this; however, I wanted you all to know that I may understand this world. But I am still 100% subject to the unspoken laws of it.

P.S. I am fine and will be fine - my writing has always been a way of processing and reflecting on everything. I actually started writing as a means of getting everything in my head out and making it actionable. Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers

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